Boys Will Be Boys, but I’m a Fast Ass Little Girl: Unveiling the Harmful Impact of Adultification of Black Girls

Amidst the carefree whirl of childhood, where imagination knows no bounds and laughter echoes through the air, Black girls find themselves entrapped in a silent chorus of chastisement: 'Close your legs,' 'Sit up straight, girls are seen not heard.  These whispered commands, like ghosts from a world that fails to see, remind us that our innocence is a fleeting mirage, a luxury denied to those who are never allowed a full childhood. In a landscape where bo-bo's, barbies, and wild imaginations should reign supreme, we instead navigate a terrain where carelessness is a luxury afforded to others, for Black girls must learn early on to fend, fight, and forge their path amidst the tumult of a world that too often fails to see their tender humanity.

In the intricate tapestry of societal perceptions, woven with threads of bias and stereotype, lies a troubling phenomenon known as adultification—a concept that disproportionately affects Black girls, robbing them of their innocence and childhood. This insidious stereotype, deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness, perpetuates feelings of shame and unworthiness, casting a shadow over the lives of young Black girls from a tender age and following them into adulthood.

The adultification of Black girls is a phenomenon characterized by the perception that they are older and less innocent than their counterparts. This harmful stereotype denies Black girls the opportunity to experience the carefree joys of childhood, instead subjecting them to unfair scrutiny, suspicion, and punishment.

Imagine a world where the laughter of Black girls is stifled, their dreams overshadowed by the weight of adult expectations. From a young age, they are forced to navigate a reality where their innocence is questioned, their vulnerabilities dismissed, and their very essence stripped away by a society that refuses to see them as children deserving of love, protection, and nurturing.

The repercussions of adultification are profound and far-reaching. Black girls are denied the opportunity to experience the innocence, vulnerability, and protection that should be inherent to childhood. Instead, they are thrust into adulthood before their time, burdened by the expectations and judgments of a world that sees them as inherently older, wiser, and less deserving of compassion.

This phenomenon perpetuates a cycle of shame and unworthiness, as Black girls internalize the message that they are not deserving of the same care, consideration, and respect afforded to their counterparts. It creates a sense of otherness, a feeling of not belonging, that follows them throughout their lives, shaping their identities and limiting their potential. Too many Black women have never basked in the brilliance of their light, seized instead by the suffocating grip of shame birthed from the adultification of their childhood selves. This insidious shame, a relentless specter haunting their every step, shackles them from chasing their dreams, embracing radical self-love, and daring to prioritize their well-being. Caught in a perpetual cycle of survival, they remain trapped in the tangled webs of past trauma, unable to break free and forge a path of true liberation. But we refuse to be confined to the shadows cast by our past. It is time to reclaim our power, to reparent our inner child with tenderness and compassion. We must affirm, with unwavering conviction, that we are deserving of a life filled with ease, joy, and abundance. No longer will we allow the echoes of childhood pain to dictate our worth or dictate our destiny. It's time to shatter the chains of shame and step boldly into the radiant brilliance of our existence. For we are worthy, we are deserving, and we are capable of creating a life that transcends mere survival—a life that pulsates with the vibrant energy of love, liberation, and unbridled possibility.

The adultification of Black girls is rooted deeply in white supremacy, entrenched biases, and stereotypes that permeate every aspect of our society. From the media to the education system, from the criminal justice system to the workplace, Black girls are confronted with the damaging effects of adultification at every turn.

It is time to challenge the harmful stereotypes that perpetuate the adultification of Black girls and reclaim their right to childhood innocence, vulnerability, and protection. We must amplify our voices, validate our experiences, and create spaces where we are free to be ourselves without fear of judgment or discrimination. As we work towards dismantling the systems of oppression that uphold the adultification of Black girls, let us remember that every child deserves to experience the wonder of childhood, regardless of their race or ethnicity. It is only by confronting and addressing the root causes of adultification that we can create a more just and equitable world for all.

I love you, and as always, I am rooting for you, deeply! 

Rae

SHAME ON YOU: Putting down the heaviest weight!

As I reflect on the innocent curiosity of my childhood, the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" echoes through the corridors of memory, a relentless reminder of the past me(s) I hid. In my tender years, I danced between professional aspirations and big dreams like a butterfly flitting from one flower to another, each answer a fleeting attempt to mask the tumultuous storm raging within. You see, behind the facade of changing aspirations lay a silent struggle, one that began to take root in my mind as early as seven. It was then, amidst the carefree days of youth, that the chilling whispers of “you don’t deserve to be here” complimented with suicidal ideations first crept into my consciousness, a sinister companionship that would haunt me for years to come.

My childhood, a tapestry woven with threads of trauma, from the wreckage of my parents' battle with addiction to the tumultuous journey of accepting the abandonment that led to my adoption, each chapter of my story was marred by the cruel hand of adversity. Verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse became unwelcome guests at the table of my existence, casting a long shadow over any happiness that was presented my way. I truly thought and believed that I was fucked up and did not INTRINSICALLY deserve love and safety, and THAT IS SHAME. Shame is a powerful and painful emotion characterized by a deep sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or disgrace about oneself. Shame involves a more pervasive belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy as a person. Shame is a relentless critic that convinces you that you're inherently messed up and unworthy of love or acceptance. It's that nagging voice that tells you that you don't belong, that you're not wanted just as you are. This toxic belief seeps into every relationship, poisoning your sense of self and separating you from your authenticity. It's the ultimate betrayal of your being, teaching you to feel bad about simply existing.

... so you turn your inner light off.

... so you hide.

... so you stay quiet.

... so you lie.

... so you pretend.

... so you escape.

... so you cope.

... so you try and die...

Unraveling the grip of shame became my emancipation, the key to unlocking my chains lay in comprehending and then delving into the depths of shame, but it felt like reclaiming stolen moments of childhood bliss. As I sifted through memories, I began to speak to myself with newfound conviction: "Raven, you deserve love and safety." I had to accept that I did not get what I deserved and needed in childhood to thrive, but merely just to survive. I had to sit in the truth of my story and reject anyone who was trying to stop me from liberating myself. From childhood until now I have conquered so much and to say that now when life’s weight feels so heavy I don’t result in self-harm, including how I am thinking about myself most importantly. I am proud. It took so much work to get to this place but it was evidence that the work I was doing internally was working. I no longer need external validation or experiences to affirm that I am worthy of love or safety. It was a journey of self-discovery and redemption, a testament to the indomitable resilience of the human spirit.

Rejecting shame and embracing the truth of our experiences is not about blaming others or projecting shame onto them. It's about reclaiming your story, your healing, and making it all about you. Yes, you went through what you went through, and while you can't change the past, you have the power to rewrite your narrative and break free from the cycle of pain. You were left unprotected, but now it's time to prioritize your own protection. What does that look like for you? It means centering yourself—listening to your intuition, which is your connection to something greater, and honoring your experiences as guiding lights toward a different future. Center your love, your peace, your stillness, and let them guide you toward healing and growth. Today, as I stand at the threshold of a new chapter, I wear the scars of my past as badges of honor. They are a testament to the resilience and strength that reside within each of us. Though the journey may have been fraught with challenges, it has led me to a place of profound gratitude and inner peace.

Black women, my sisters, we deserve lives free from the shackles of shame. We deserve all the love and support that was denied to us, across all generations. I've come to understand that forgiveness isn't just about absolving others—it's about unraveling the layers of shame imposed upon us by systems of oppression. Our stories, intertwined with the savagery of colonization and patriarchy, reveal the seeds of shame that were planted in our souls. I resonate deeply with Audre Lorde's words: "I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." Our struggles may vary, but the common thread of injustice binds us together. Many who came before us, unable to break free from their chains, passed on their pain to us. Yet, amidst the darkness, there is a glimmer of hope.

To those who feel lost in the labyrinth of their despair, know this: you are not alone. Even in the darkest of nights, there is a flicker of light waiting to guide you home. And though the journey may be arduous, the destination—a life liberated from shame and filled with love—is always worth the struggle.

Here are some affirmations to help you release the burden of shame on your healing journey.

• "I release the burden of shame from my shoulders and embrace my worthiness."

• "I am worthy of love and acceptance just as I am, flaws and all."

• "I forgive myself for past mistakes and choose self-compassion."

• "I let go of the need for external validation and find strength within myself."

• "I am deserving of happiness, success, and fulfillment."

• "I honor my journey and recognize that every experience has shaped me into who I am today."

• "I refuse to define myself by my past. I am free to create a new narrative."

• "I choose to live authentically and unapologetically."

• "I release shame and embrace self-love as my birthright."

• "I trust in my own worthiness and embrace the beauty of my imperfections."

I am rooting for you, deeply. I love you,

Rae Rose

The Empowerment Paradox: How Blame Diminishes Your Power

September 15th, 2019—a day that turned my whole world upside down. I found myself lost in a whirlwind of confusion, pain, and wondering if my very existence had any meaning. It was the day everything deeply shifted when someone I loved and considered a close friend sexually assaulted me, leaving me reeling in disbelief and disgust. But let me tell you, the journey from that moment to now has been one heck of a ride. I've been through ups and downs, climbed mountains, and trudged through valleys to get to where I am today. It wasn't easy by far, and I fought tooth and nail to stand tall again, and to shine my light for those who see me. I've had to do some serious soul-searching, unlearning all the bullshit conditioning that held me back, enslaving my mind, and relearning how to be me again—healthy, whole, and unapologetically myself. And here I am, still standing ten toes down about me, ready to take on whatever comes my way with a smile/smirk on my face and fire in my soul. For I now know and understand The Phoenix.

During my journey, there was a spot where I camped out for a while, and that place was “blame”. I pointed fingers at myself and others, thinking everything was everybody's fault and deeply more everything was my fault. Shame, guilt, and a whole lot of resentment coursed through me. I couldn't wrap my head around it—why me? Why was I handed this crappy hand of cards? I sat there for a bit, feeling like a victim of circumstance. It was a tough spot to be in. I started to understand that the longer I sat in this place, the more my experiences were going to reflect this theme.

"Blame is a burden we can't afford to carry. It weighs us down, shackles our spirit, and blinds us to the possibilities of our own power." - Audre Lorde

Blame involves holding someone, yourself or something responsible for a fault or mistake, often attributing causality externally. It can take the form of criticism, accusations, or guilt assignment, stemming from frustration or the need to avoid responsibility. While blame may offer temporary relief, it can harm relationships, impede problem-solving, and sustain negativity.

The opposite of blame is often considered to be responsibility or accountability. While blame involves assigning fault or culpability for a situation or outcome, responsibility entails acknowledging one's role and obligations in a situation, including any mistakes or shortcomings, without necessarily placing blame on oneself or others. Taking responsibility involves a proactive approach to addressing issues and finding solutions, rather than dwelling on assigning fault.

In the intricate tapestry of this beautiful human experience and life's challenges, it's not uncommon for us to find ourselves pointing fingers outward, attributing our hardships or dissatisfaction to external sources. It is also not impossible to put all this weight on yourself. Blaming yourself or others will provide temporary relief from discomfort, but in the grand scheme of personal development and empowerment, it's a perilous path to tread and a non-ending cycle like a merry-go-round. Blaming others is essentially an act of surrendering one's power. It's a subtle acknowledgment that external factors hold sway over one's life, emotions, and outcomes. By placing blame, individuals inadvertently relinquish control over their divine narrative. They become passive spectators in their own lives, waiting for circumstances to change rather than taking charge of their destiny.

Moreover, the habit of blaming others fosters a mindset of victimhood. Instead of seeing oneself as an active participant in shaping one's reality, individuals perceive themselves as hapless victims of circumstance. This mentality not only stifles personal growth but also perpetuates a cycle of disempowerment. You are the co-creator of this life shit!

I believe that sitting in “blame” for some of us is a part of our healing journey, it gives us a place to deeply unpack why we arrived here in the first place. Blame often emerges as a natural response to adversity, rooted in our innate desire to make sense of and control the world around us. This is seen a lot in those of us who had traumatic childhoods, especially in the area of abuse and neglect by our caregivers. You never saw anyone take accountability, so blame was what you were taught. EVERYTHING IS SOMEBODY’S FAULT -maybe a lot of times everything was your fault. So now, when faced with challenges or setbacks, it can be tempting to assign fault to external factors or individuals as a means of alleviating discomfort and preserving our sense of self. You see though, the sense of self you are preserving is not who you are authentically, it is who you are being because of habit, you sit in blame because it is all you know. However, while blame may offer temporary relief, it ultimately inhibits healing and personal growth. Our brains may indeed resort to blaming others as a protective mechanism, shielding us from the discomfort of confronting our shortcomings or vulnerabilities. Yet, this tendency to externalize responsibility can stifle self-reflection and impede our ability to learn and evolve. True healing requires moving beyond blame, acknowledging our agency in shaping our experiences and embracing accountability as a catalyst for growth and resilience. It's about recognizing that while external circumstances may influence our lives, we ultimately hold the power to choose how we respond and navigate challenges, paving the way for genuine transformation and self-discovery.

Shifting from blame to self-agency takes practice. We have to remember our brains are designed to protect us, not foster growth. Blame was once what was safe for you, for me too, but it will hinder your progression in life keeping you feeling stuck and defeated. Our brains, sharpened by evolution, are adept at safeguarding our well-being. Yet, this protective instinct, needed in danger, can impede growth and healing if left unchecked. To embark on a journey of self-awareness and empowerment, we must train our brains to transcend default settings. Blame is a default setting. This entails learning YOU, unlearning conditioning, cultivating mindfulness, challenging limiting beliefs, and embracing vulnerability for resilience and growth. By reshaping our neural pathways consciously, we unlock transformative potential and liberation from mental constraints.

“Self Checks Never Bounce!” -Rae Rose

True empowerment, on the other hand, arises from a place of self-worth, self-awareness, and accountability. It's about recognizing that while external factors may influence our lives, we ultimately have the power to choose our responses and chart our course. When we take ownership of our actions, choices, and emotions, we reclaim control over our lives. When you get tired of your bullshit, you will begin to search for how to do life differently.

Embracing personal responsibility doesn't mean denying the existence of external challenges or injustices. Hear me, because fucked up people do fuck shit, or shall I say hurt people DO hurt people. The system is also very flawed. It simply means refusing to let those challenges define us or dictate our life, we are deserving of so much more. It's about acknowledging the radical acceptance of our circumstances while simultaneously recognizing our capacity to transcend them.

In essence, blaming others is a self-defeating endeavor. It robs us of agency, resilience, and growth. Instead of looking outward for scapegoats, let's turn inward and tap into our inherent power—the power to shape our reality, overcome obstacles, and thrive in the face of adversity. By doing so, we reclaim our autonomy and pave the way for liberation. I want to see us all free homegirl!

Here are five affirmations for my homegirls struggling with self-blame:

• "I release myself from the burden of blame and embrace compassion and forgiveness towards myself."

• "I am worthy of love and understanding, and I choose to treat myself with kindness and empathy."

• "I acknowledge that mistakes are a natural part of life, and I am allowed to learn and grow from them without judgment."

• "I let go of the need to blame myself for past actions or circumstances, and I focus instead on creating a positive future."

• "I am not defined by my mistakes or shortcomings; I am a resilient and valuable individual worthy of self-acceptance and grace."

Here are five affirmations for my homegirls struggling with blaming others:

• "I release the need to blame others for my circumstances and take responsibility for my own actions and choices."

• "I acknowledge that everyone is human and makes mistakes, including myself and others, and I choose to extend understanding and forgiveness."

• "I let go of the habit of blaming others for my unhappiness and instead focus on finding solutions and taking proactive steps towards my goals."

• "I recognize that holding onto resentment and blame only weighs me down, and I choose to free myself from this burden by cultivating compassion and empathy."

• "I affirm my ability to navigate challenges and conflicts with grace and maturity, understanding that blaming others only hinders my personal growth and happiness.

  I hope this blog resonates with you and provides valuable insights on reclaiming your power. Remember, navigating life's challenges is an ongoing journey, and it's okay to stumble along the way. Each experience is an opportunity for growth and learning. So, embrace the process, be patient with yourself, and trust in your ability to overcome obstacles. Homegirl, you've got this + you are not alone!

  Feel free to share with one of your homegirls and leave a comment, I would love to know your thoughts.

  I love you,

  Rae Rose