The Empowerment Paradox: How Blame Diminishes Your Power
September 15th, 2019—a day that turned my whole world upside down. I found myself lost in a whirlwind of confusion, pain, and wondering if my very existence had any meaning. It was the day everything deeply shifted when someone I loved and considered a close friend sexually assaulted me, leaving me reeling in disbelief and disgust. But let me tell you, the journey from that moment to now has been one heck of a ride. I've been through ups and downs, climbed mountains, and trudged through valleys to get to where I am today. It wasn't easy by far, and I fought tooth and nail to stand tall again, and to shine my light for those who see me. I've had to do some serious soul-searching, unlearning all the bullshit conditioning that held me back, enslaving my mind, and relearning how to be me again—healthy, whole, and unapologetically myself. And here I am, still standing ten toes down about me, ready to take on whatever comes my way with a smile/smirk on my face and fire in my soul. For I now know and understand The Phoenix.
During my journey, there was a spot where I camped out for a while, and that place was “blame”. I pointed fingers at myself and others, thinking everything was everybody's fault and deeply more everything was my fault. Shame, guilt, and a whole lot of resentment coursed through me. I couldn't wrap my head around it—why me? Why was I handed this crappy hand of cards? I sat there for a bit, feeling like a victim of circumstance. It was a tough spot to be in. I started to understand that the longer I sat in this place, the more my experiences were going to reflect this theme.
"Blame is a burden we can't afford to carry. It weighs us down, shackles our spirit, and blinds us to the possibilities of our own power." - Audre Lorde
Blame involves holding someone, yourself or something responsible for a fault or mistake, often attributing causality externally. It can take the form of criticism, accusations, or guilt assignment, stemming from frustration or the need to avoid responsibility. While blame may offer temporary relief, it can harm relationships, impede problem-solving, and sustain negativity.
The opposite of blame is often considered to be responsibility or accountability. While blame involves assigning fault or culpability for a situation or outcome, responsibility entails acknowledging one's role and obligations in a situation, including any mistakes or shortcomings, without necessarily placing blame on oneself or others. Taking responsibility involves a proactive approach to addressing issues and finding solutions, rather than dwelling on assigning fault.
In the intricate tapestry of this beautiful human experience and life's challenges, it's not uncommon for us to find ourselves pointing fingers outward, attributing our hardships or dissatisfaction to external sources. It is also not impossible to put all this weight on yourself. Blaming yourself or others will provide temporary relief from discomfort, but in the grand scheme of personal development and empowerment, it's a perilous path to tread and a non-ending cycle like a merry-go-round. Blaming others is essentially an act of surrendering one's power. It's a subtle acknowledgment that external factors hold sway over one's life, emotions, and outcomes. By placing blame, individuals inadvertently relinquish control over their divine narrative. They become passive spectators in their own lives, waiting for circumstances to change rather than taking charge of their destiny.
Moreover, the habit of blaming others fosters a mindset of victimhood. Instead of seeing oneself as an active participant in shaping one's reality, individuals perceive themselves as hapless victims of circumstance. This mentality not only stifles personal growth but also perpetuates a cycle of disempowerment. You are the co-creator of this life shit!
I believe that sitting in “blame” for some of us is a part of our healing journey, it gives us a place to deeply unpack why we arrived here in the first place. Blame often emerges as a natural response to adversity, rooted in our innate desire to make sense of and control the world around us. This is seen a lot in those of us who had traumatic childhoods, especially in the area of abuse and neglect by our caregivers. You never saw anyone take accountability, so blame was what you were taught. EVERYTHING IS SOMEBODY’S FAULT -maybe a lot of times everything was your fault. So now, when faced with challenges or setbacks, it can be tempting to assign fault to external factors or individuals as a means of alleviating discomfort and preserving our sense of self. You see though, the sense of self you are preserving is not who you are authentically, it is who you are being because of habit, you sit in blame because it is all you know. However, while blame may offer temporary relief, it ultimately inhibits healing and personal growth. Our brains may indeed resort to blaming others as a protective mechanism, shielding us from the discomfort of confronting our shortcomings or vulnerabilities. Yet, this tendency to externalize responsibility can stifle self-reflection and impede our ability to learn and evolve. True healing requires moving beyond blame, acknowledging our agency in shaping our experiences and embracing accountability as a catalyst for growth and resilience. It's about recognizing that while external circumstances may influence our lives, we ultimately hold the power to choose how we respond and navigate challenges, paving the way for genuine transformation and self-discovery.
Shifting from blame to self-agency takes practice. We have to remember our brains are designed to protect us, not foster growth. Blame was once what was safe for you, for me too, but it will hinder your progression in life keeping you feeling stuck and defeated. Our brains, sharpened by evolution, are adept at safeguarding our well-being. Yet, this protective instinct, needed in danger, can impede growth and healing if left unchecked. To embark on a journey of self-awareness and empowerment, we must train our brains to transcend default settings. Blame is a default setting. This entails learning YOU, unlearning conditioning, cultivating mindfulness, challenging limiting beliefs, and embracing vulnerability for resilience and growth. By reshaping our neural pathways consciously, we unlock transformative potential and liberation from mental constraints.
“Self Checks Never Bounce!” -Rae Rose
True empowerment, on the other hand, arises from a place of self-worth, self-awareness, and accountability. It's about recognizing that while external factors may influence our lives, we ultimately have the power to choose our responses and chart our course. When we take ownership of our actions, choices, and emotions, we reclaim control over our lives. When you get tired of your bullshit, you will begin to search for how to do life differently.
Embracing personal responsibility doesn't mean denying the existence of external challenges or injustices. Hear me, because fucked up people do fuck shit, or shall I say hurt people DO hurt people. The system is also very flawed. It simply means refusing to let those challenges define us or dictate our life, we are deserving of so much more. It's about acknowledging the radical acceptance of our circumstances while simultaneously recognizing our capacity to transcend them.
In essence, blaming others is a self-defeating endeavor. It robs us of agency, resilience, and growth. Instead of looking outward for scapegoats, let's turn inward and tap into our inherent power—the power to shape our reality, overcome obstacles, and thrive in the face of adversity. By doing so, we reclaim our autonomy and pave the way for liberation. I want to see us all free homegirl!
Here are five affirmations for my homegirls struggling with self-blame:
"I release myself from the burden of blame and embrace compassion and forgiveness towards myself."
"I am worthy of love and understanding, and I choose to treat myself with kindness and empathy."
"I acknowledge that mistakes are a natural part of life, and I am allowed to learn and grow from them without judgment."
"I let go of the need to blame myself for past actions or circumstances, and I focus instead on creating a positive future."
"I am not defined by my mistakes or shortcomings; I am a resilient and valuable individual worthy of self-acceptance and grace."
Here are five affirmations for my homegirls struggling with blaming others:
"I release the need to blame others for my circumstances and take responsibility for my own actions and choices."
"I acknowledge that everyone is human and makes mistakes, including myself and others, and I choose to extend understanding and forgiveness."
"I let go of the habit of blaming others for my unhappiness and instead focus on finding solutions and taking proactive steps towards my goals."
"I recognize that holding onto resentment and blame only weighs me down, and I choose to free myself from this burden by cultivating compassion and empathy."
"I affirm my ability to navigate challenges and conflicts with grace and maturity, understanding that blaming others only hinders my personal growth and happiness.
I hope this blog resonates with you and provides valuable insights on reclaiming your power. Remember, navigating life's challenges is an ongoing journey, and it's okay to stumble along the way. Each experience is an opportunity for growth and learning. So, embrace the process, be patient with yourself, and trust in your ability to overcome obstacles. Homegirl, you've got this + you are not alone!
Feel free to share with one of your homegirls and leave a comment, I would love to know your thoughts.
I love you,
Rae Rose
